I seriously considered not sharing my guacamole recipe here. I mean really. There is a recession going on and you never know when I might have to open up a guacamole stand or sell my recipe to some big corporation like Kraft Foods or Mario Batali. But in the name of being a good winner, here it is.

First, before i go further, let's be realistic here. There is only so much you can do to--or with--guacamole. I mean give or take a few cilantro leaves here, a tomato there, there's not a lot of room to move. What this means is that whatever you do, it better be good. Like God, the secret to guacamole, is all in the details.

Preparing Guac is a Serious Affair

Preparing Guac is a Serious Affair

My Very Famous Award-Winning Guacamole

Getting Started:

1. Buy a  100% lava, authentic Mexican molcajete and . If it has been sold to you as "pre-seasoned," know that you have been had. There are certain things in life for which there are no shortcuts. One is getting to know, really know, the person that you love. Another is getting a piece of lava (the molcajete) to quit producing sand when you grind it with another piece of lava (the tejolote). Both of these things simply take time. So how to season a molcajete? Throw a handful of rice in the bottom of your primitive mortar and grind until it looks like dried Cream of Wheat. Toss and repeat as many times as it takes until the guacamole you make in your molcajete does not turn out sandy, or roughly 1,000 to 1,200 times.

2. Taste several different types of avocados, paying special attention to texture, mouth feel, and flavor, at the occupational hazard of about 17 pounds, until you finally give in to the fact that you cannot, no matter how clever you try to be, find a rare, secret, little-know, overlooked, or otherwise undiscovered avocado that makes better guacamole than the Hass.

3. Remember that no matter how much salt you've added to your guacamole, it probably needs more. Serving your guac with nicely salted corn tortilla chips, still warm from the oil you fried them in, would put you at an unfair advantage in a competition, but would surely win you friends off the playing field.

Now Buy Your Ingredients:

4 serrano chiles, halved and seeds removed (Why anyone would ever eat a jalapeño pepper after tasting one of these is beyond me. Probably because, like my very own self before preparing for competition, they never actually tasted one in any deliberate way. Once you do, you'll realize that jalapeños are sort of bitter and disgusting tasting and, given the choice, you should always reach for the smaller, slimmer, and infinitely tastier serrano).

Rock salt (I suppose you could use kosher salt but my grandmother Josefina uses rock salt, plus it is just a cool thing to do.)

A lopped off piece of white onion (I'd say for four avocados, this would be about 1/8 of an onion; no idea why but it has to be white; this is the Mexican way.)

4 4ipe Hass avocados, halved, pitted, and scooped out of the peel

1 or 2 Key (Aka Mexican) limes

1 red jalapeño pepper, halved, seeded, and minced


Throw the peppers and lopped off bit of onion in your seasoned molcajete. It will be less onion than you think. Trust me on this one. Sprinkle with rock salt and start grinding away, I mean really channeling your inner Aztec and grinding, adding more salt if you feel like this will help your peppers and onion break down, until what you have are not peppers and onion, but an acid-green colored, slimy paste.

Add the avocados and smash them with your tejolote until they are 1) smashed. and 2) integrated with the paste. Stir in the gorgeous minced red jalapeños and the juice of 1 key lime. Taste for seasoning and add more lime juice if necessary. It definitely needs more salt, so add some more of that, too. Taste it again, adjust it again, and just when you think that your guacamole is perfect, add some more salt, and serve.

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